


i have friends in holy spaces

by ikuzonos



Category: Dangan Ronpa, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Gen, NDRV3 Spoilers, Post-Canon, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 22:14:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11045412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikuzonos/pseuds/ikuzonos
Summary: It's the end of the world, but they're still breathing.[Major Endgame NDRV3 Spoilers]





	i have friends in holy spaces

Her chopsticks hit the coffee table with a dull clunk. It’s covered in garbage - mostly from weeks upon weeks of takeout, but also from tissues that are coated in both grease and tear stains - so it doesn’t really make a difference.

The television buzzes, static lines crossing it before vanishing entirely. A movie of Yumeno’s choice is playing in a language that she doesn’t recognize. She thinks that it’s about magicians. Magicians, revenge, and for some reason, birds. She’s not entirely sure; she’s not paying attention.

Though, Yumeno’s not watching it either. She’s too occupied with the tarot cards that she had picked up from some esoteric bookshop last week. Maki looks at the screen again, then squishes her cardboard takeout box in her hand, grimacing as sauce touches her palm.

“Yumeno,” she says, twirling a strand of hair around her finger, “Can we turn this off? You’re not even watching it anymore.”

The red haired girl shrugs and flips through her tarot cards again. Maki tries to ignore the glaring papercuts on her fingers and hopes that they’re not intentional. She snatches the remote off the floor and changes to the news. She doesn’t know why she’s picked that. Probably because she rarely leaves the apartment anymore.

Unfortunately for them, the first thing that comes on is yet another news story about the fall of  _ Dangan Ronpa. _ Maki hisses and drops the remote so hard that one of the batteries falls out. Even six months after the fact, it seems that the media has no intention of letting this go.

Either two seconds or nine hours pass, but Yumeno puts her hand on Maki’s and shuts the television off, leaving the two of them and their garbage laden coffee table in silence. Her heart pounds on an uneven rhythm, like a four year old banging on a plastic toy drum.

Without saying a word, Maki gets up and leaves. Yumeno doesn’t protest. This is the way of things. Yumeno eats and sleeps enough for three people and Maki hides in various small spaces and tries not to tear her hairs out one by one.

She thunks down on the bed, her bed, and rubs her hands across her face. This is  _ her _ bed,  _ her _ room,  _ her _ apartment, but she always feels lost and unwelcome here. Every morning, she wakes up expecting to be in some homeless shelter, or behind a garbage dumpster in an alleyway, or locked in the basement belonging to the owner of the assassin network she was shoved into, (that wasn’t real), or in the hell of a school that she narrowly survived.

Maki does not belong here, or anywhere. Yumeno has an older brother that she occasionally talks about, and Saihara has his uncle, but Maki Harukawa has absolutely nobody to go back to. The one thing that Team  _ Dangan Ronpa _ did right when fabricating her personality was giving her no people in her life that cared about her.

Her stomach lurches. Maki makes a mad dash for the corner of the room and only just makes it to the plastic purple rubbish bin before throwing up all the shitty takeout into it. Then after all that’s out, Maki sees clear liquid pour out of her mouth and into the bin as well, her throat and chest on fire. The first thing she’s eaten in days, and it didn’t even last an hour.

She sits by the can for hours, nursing her tender stomach and trying not to think about all the people who have left her now.

(It doesn’t work out very well.) 

-

March becomes April and Maki feels her breathing grow uneasier by the day. At Yumeno’s insistence, they’ve been celebrating the birthdays of the lost students - at least, if baking a shitty cake from a mix bought at the store and sitting at the table in paper hats feeling like shit counts as celebrating. 

Iruma and Kiibo’s birthdays were missed, thanks to the fact that they were still in the intensive care wards for most of October and November. Yumeno’s own birthday had been a quiet affair, but Maki had made the extra effort of purchasing and wrapping a sweater as a gift for her.

Chabashira’s was just over a month later. Yumeno had been a wreck the entire day, but was forcing herself to smile every time she noticed that she was slipping, stating that she ‘wants Tenko to be proud!’ (Maki had placed a reluctant hand on her shoulder, knowing no other way of comforting people.)

After that was Gokuhara’s birthday - which apparently meant that Yumeno had to buy paper napkins and party hats with bugs on them, as well as decorate the slimy, tasteless cake with rubbery gummy worms - and then Maki’s own which was more confusing than anything. Yumeno had decided to try and throw her a surprise party - despite the fact that Maki knew exactly what the smaller girl was planning, thanks to the transparent plastic bags she had hidden her party supplies in - which meant that Maki woke up on the second to find faded streamers, half filled balloons, and a misspelled handmade ‘Happy Birthday’ banner tacked on the walls.

Strangely, it’s Akamatsu’s that makes Maki feel the illest. She didn’t care for the girl during the killing game - believing her to be irritating and shallow - and that hadn’t changed. No, her discomfort came from how she and Yumeno - the latter with a party horn sticking out of her mouth - had to stare at an empty chair where the one person who truly loved Kaede Akamatsu - more than Maki thought was humanly possibly - should have been.

Momota’s birthday is twelve days from now, and Maki knows that she’s not ready to face that moment, not when she sees him standing in front of her and coughing up blood every time she closes her eyes for too long.

It’s no wonder that she doesn’t sleep at night. And a wonder how Yumeno  _ does _ , considering that she has the same terrifying nightmare about Chabashira’s murder every single night.

-

“It’s the ninth today,” Yumeno says, swinging her legs back and forth. She’s dangling off the edge of the armchair with the ripped seat, clad in her self declared Depression Sweater. (The very same one that Maki bought her.)

Normally, it’d be an innocuous, perhaps useless comment. But Yumeno uses her words lightly, usually relying on shrugs, gestures, and the occasional flapping of her hands to communicate with Maki.

And of course, Maki knows what she means. The ninth is the day before the rent is due (and in this month’s case, three days before Momota’s birthday) and also the day that an envelope filled with exactly one third of the rent is placed under the doormat. 

Maki has no idea why they split the rent money three ways - they all have more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime - but it makes Yumeno happy, so she goes along it. A lot of her decisions have centered on Yumeno’s happiness, she realizes, but is that such a bad thing? 

One of them might as well feel a little bit better than the other two. And with Maki’s self destructive coping mechanisms and Saihara’s suicidal tendencies, maybe it’s best that Yumeno stays in good spirits.

On bad nights, Maki thinks back to the one December evening where she shot out of bed on impulse to find Saihara passed out in the bathtub, facedown in bloodied water. She thinks back to how Yumeno fainted as soon as she saw the scene, to how she had to pull the boy out of the tub herself and call 119 because her hands were shaking too much to properly perform CPR.

She thinks that that’s probably why Saihara didn’t come home with them after the fact, and how she only knows that he’s _probably_ alive because someone is leaving his third of the rent money under their doormat every month. 

They’ve never once caught him delivering the money, but Yumeno’s certain that they’ll find him someday soon. Maki’s doesn’t agree - it’s a foolish, hopeless sentiment to have, and she’s too cynical to change her mind on this - but she keeps the thought to herself. No point in burdening anyone else with her sadness.

Maki hums in response, realizing that she’s left Yumeno hanging. Not that it matters very much, considering she tends to hear the younger girl say something and then just not reply. Hell if she knows why. She still doesn’t know if her anti social tendencies are remnants of the brainwashing done by Team  _ Dangan Ronpa, _ or if they stem from the horrific excuse for a childhood that she barely remembers.

She wonders why Yumeno doesn’t hate her. By all rights, she should, in fact,  _ everyone _ should hate her. Maki is objectively a bad person, and she’s not afraid to dwell on this. It’d be no different for the redhead if she were to leave in the night, to just not come home like Saihara did. In fact, things would probably be  _ better _ for Yumeno if she didn’t have Maki in her life. The only difference is that she’d need to wash the dishes by herself.

Not that they have many dishes, especially because of how much takeout they eat. Yes, Yumeno would be perfectly fine on her own. Maki doesn’t count as a person anyways.

-

It’s the tears in her eyes when she awakens that instantly tells her it’s Momota’s birthday. Instantly, she curses and dries her eyes on the folds of her quilt. She stayed up until eleven last night promising herself that she wasn’t going to cry no matter what.

It’s seven in the morning, and she’s already broken it. She’s so useless that she can’t even hold herself to things. Maki closes her fists around her sheets and bites down on the massive canker sore on her bottom lip. It hurts but she deserves the pain, deserves to feel like shit every day for the rest of her meaningless life.

She lies back down, throwing the quilt over her body and sprawling out over the futon. Yumeno won’t be awake until at least ten, so there’s no point in being miserable in the kitchen when she can do that from the comfort of her own bed.

Her head spins as she looks up at the hastily pasted glow in the dark stars on her ceiling. They’re losing their shine and just the thought of that makes her sick. She’d initially put up sixteen, one for each of them. Now they were dying all over again and it was all her fault because she kept their ghosts in hunks of cheap plastic.

Maki slams her eyes shut and rolls over onto her stomach. She presses her face into her pillow, silently cursing herself out as she begins to sob yet again. None of them deserved to die except for her. Literally anyone else, even Akamatsu, even Ouma, hell, even  _ Shirogane  _ should have survived in her place.

At some point, Yumeno begins to bang on her door but she hardly hears it. Maki buries herself in a cocoon of blankets, hiding under the weight of thirteen corpses. She was not worth saving, and that’s all she’s certain of anymore.

(The banging continues, but Maki doesn’t know if it’s still Yumeno’s fruitless attempt to rouse her or if the agonizing pounding is inside her own head.)

-

Yumeno blows her party horn as Maki cuts the cake. The noise startles Maki and her grip on the knife slips. She manages to get her hand out of the way before it makes contact with the blade, but mangles the slice she's cutting. Whatever, that’ll be hers. It's what she deserves. 

“I thought these were about honouring the dead, not mocking them,” Maki snaps as she begins to cut another piece. Yumeno’s slice ends up being crooked and ugly, though that's an accurate description of the cake as a whole.

Yumeno pouts, “We're celebrating them. They would have done the same for us, probably. I… like to think that they miss us.”

Maki scoffs. Yumeno is not quite a year her junior, but behaves much younger. She really is the little sibling that she never got to have. The children in the orphanage (that wasn't real) and the homeless shelters were temporary, just like her.

Her hand shakes as she pushes the dry, stale tasting cake into her mouth. Her eyes are burning and she slams them shut, her fist closing around the plastic fork. She can’t cry she can’t cry can’t cry can’t cry can’t cry cry cry cry cry cry.

Yumeno sets down her own fork, ignoring the piece of cake that falls off it, and says, “It’s okay. Momota wouldn’t have wanted you to hold it all in for his sake.” Fresh tears have slicked down the redhead’s own face, but that only deepens Maki’s resolve.

“You… hypocrite,” Maki chokes out in between strained breaths, “You spent all of Chabashira’s birthday trying to be strong for her. If you can lie to her... then I can do what I want.”

Yumeno objects, swinging her arm out like some kind of shounen anime protagonist, as she points at Maki, “Y-You’ve got that wrong, Harukawa. Tenko would want Himiko to be strong! She-”

“Bullshit!” Maki shouts, tears finally bursting from her eyes and streaming down her face, “That’s complete and utter  _ bullshit! _ Chabashira loved you more than she loved anyone else in the world, and she wouldn’t want you to put on a happy face for her sake!”

Yumeno stares at her, tears pricking in the corners of her eyes as her lip trembles. Then she loses all composure and begins to blubber, throwing herself across the table and into Maki’s arms, knocking Momota’s birthday cake onto the floor.

(Later, they’ll kneel on the tile and scrub the frosting off of it, but for now, Maki will hold Yumeno in her arms and rub her back as if she’s her family. Maybe they are family at this point. She doesn’t know, though. Maki’s never had one before.)

-

“Do you think she’s watching over us from heaven?”

Yonaga’s birthday is six days after Momota’s, and Yumeno spends it sobbing. Now that they’re eating yet another shitty cake, she seems to have finally calmed her emotions. She has an expectant look in her eyes, uncharacteristic for her. Usually she doesn’t expect anything from Maki besides her robotic presence in the apartment.

Maki sets down her fork and thinks about her response, “You mean Yonaga, correct?” When Yumeno nods, she continues, “Absolutely. She's watching and guiding you.”

If Yumeno notices that Maki said ‘you’ instead of ‘us’, she doesn't say anything. She merely nods and clasps her hands together in prayer. Maki mimics her almost unconsciously.

She regrets her words almost as soon as she says them, “I think… heaven was probably created just for Yonaga.”

Yumeno sniffles and rubs her nose on her sleeves, then nods and whispers, “T-Tenko is up there with Angie. They're both… they're both making sure that we stay together.”

A ripple passes through Maki’s chest at these words. Her throat tightens as she opens her mouth, but forces the words into the air, “I'm… glad.”

Then, without thinking in the slightest, (because she is a tool she is a machine she is not a human being she doesn’t have time to consider her options she has to  _ act),  _ Maki gets to her feet and pulls Yumeno into a close hug. The shorter girl cries into her shirt, but Maki only holds her closer, resting her chin on Yumeno’s head.

Strange, how normal this occurrence has become, because four months ago, Maki wouldn’t even be able to imagine this scenario.

-

It’s been one week, maybe two since  _ Dangan Ronpa _ ended. The hospital has been their home ever since the end, supposedly because the three of them sustained serious physical injuries when the dome blew up. Of course, Maki knows that they're really only there because if they leave Saihara on his own for more than ten minutes, he'll try to kill himself.

That won't look good in the media.

After being roused from what could have been sleep, had she actually lost consciousness, Maki is dragged into a gussied up room where Saihara and Yumeno are sitting. There's a large sofa and a camera inside, as well as several strangers. It's an interview. She swallows the bile that’s risen to her throat.

Someone - probably an unpaid intern - tries to dust a bit of powder on their faces before the cameras begin to roll, but Maki slaps her hand away and the dark circles under Saihara’s eyes appear to be permanent. It looks as if he hasn’t gotten a wink of sleep in days, but that wouldn’t surprise her. Maki’s scarcely slept herself, and when she has, it’s been brief and unrestful. 

Yumeno’s nose wrinkles as the intern brushes powder on her face, then sneezes all over her hands. She looks exhausted too, but not in the same way. Most likely, she hasn’t done anything _but_ sleep since the show ended. Maki can’t blame her, she would too if she had the capability.  

She runs her hand along the grooves of the corduroy couch. She still feels sick, as if the fluid in her mouth is going to spill out the second she opens her mouth. Her entire body feels as if it’s on fire. Maki slams her eyes shut and tries not to think about the hot lights shining on her, or about the people sitting next to her. If she can pretend that she’s anywhere else right now, she might be okay.

She wills herself to get lost in another world, a safer one than this. It works for a moment, but it isn’t long before the haven she’s invented for herself begins transforming into the school that haunts her thoughts. Soft grass becomes cracked and bloody tiles, while the blue sky is suddenly nothing more than ugly concrete.

She’s breathing too fast. Maki folds her hands and presses them against her stomach. She doesn’t look at Saihara or Yumeno, but she can tell that they’re staring at her and she hates it. Maki’s almost tempted to whip her head around and spit some infuriated comment at them, but thinks better of it.

Members of Team  _ Dangan Ronpa _ are milling around every corner of the room, whispering to each other. Their expressions are cheerful, but Maki’s no fool. Where they are, there’s daggers in everyone’s smiles.

“Aaaaand, we’re rolling!” The interviewer shouts and Maki jumps. She straightens her back and attempts to steady her breathing, trying to remember a technique that one of the doctors had taught her.

In. Hold for six seconds. Out. Repeat. Her stomach trembles and she feels as if her lungs are going to give out.

(Why did they return her memories she doesn't want them back they've made her weak weak weak weak weak weak weak)

The interviewer clears his throat and says, “So, how does it feel being the final survivours of  _ Dangan Ronpa?” _ When none of them move, he adds, “Well, don’t all answer me at once.”

Maki looks helplessly at her hands. There’s no script, no helpful cue card to read. Either the executives don’t have anything that they can feed to the public anymore, or they think that these three traumatized children will automatically know what to say. 

Yumeno cracks first. Her voice is weak and strained, and Maki guesses that she hasn’t said much since the game ended. They would be the same in that regard. Though, not that they’ve had much reason to speak. The doctors haven’t even allowed them to see each other for more than a couple seconds.

“I don’t want to be here,” is all the faux mage gets out before having a coughing fit. Her entire body shakes as she presses the sleeve of her hospital gown to her lips (and it reminds Maki so much of Momota that she expects Yumeno to start throwing up blood any time now.)

Saihara follows Yumeno’s example and murmurs, “I wish I was dead.” He closes his eyes and wrings his hands together, as if that might bring colour back to his skin.  

Maki doesn’t say a thing, but she doesn’t have to. Someone turns the camera off as soon as she holds her middle finger up at it.

The interviewer sighs quietly, “We’ll… give you a few minutes to regroup. Everyone, take five!” 

Slowly, the room empties. When the three survivors - though that’s a strong word, considering that they’re barely alive - are finally left alone, the silence is unbearable.

Then suddenly, Yumeno begins to laugh. It starts out hollow and haunted, but grows more intense as it goes on. Saihara joins in, his own laugh sounding sick and raving but also genuine. Even Maki allows herself a tiny chuckle and a brief smile.

(It’s the end of the world but they’re still breathing.) 

Yumeno leans against Saihara and grabs one of his hands. Maki hesitates, not wanting to make him uncomfortable (but _god_ she’s so touch starved), then leans against his other shoulder.  

In just a few moments, she knows that the room will flood with producers who will do everything in their power to make sure that the interview goes off without another hitch, that their scripted responses will sound stilted no matter how many layers of sound editing goes into them, that they’ll have to let go.

For now, all they can do is enjoy the silent comfort of each other’s warmth.

-

“What the hell is this." 

Maki says it more of a statement than a question. She’s finally gotten around to clearing all the garbage off of the coffee table, when Yumeno comes home and faces her with  _ this. _

Yumeno sticks out her tongue, “It’s a cat, Harukawa. Isn’t he cute?” She scratches the infernal abomination under the chin and it rumbles. 

Maki tosses a pair of greasy chopsticks into the garbage bag, “You can’t keep it. Where on earth would we even keep that thing?” 

“I’d take care of him!” Yumeno replies, “I already bought cat food and some bowls for him, and I’ll change his water and I’ll even walk him and-”

Maki looks at the redhead for a long minute. She’s still talking, completely animated and using excited hand gestures. Yumeno hasn’t been this happy in a long time. Who is Maki to take something like this away from her?

(She’s done worse before because she’s a bad person in fact she’s not even a person she doesn’t have a conscience she’s an empty shell why is she still alive and ruining other people’s lives?)

“As… as long as you can take care of it,” Maki says carefully, “You can keep the mongrel. Do we have a deal, Yumeno?” 

“Yes! Yes, I promise!” Yumeno shrieks, hugging the disgruntled looking lump of fur close to her chest. It makes a strangled hissing noise, but doesn’t bother to struggle. 

Maki grabs a handful of half eaten moldy noodles and shoves them in the bag, “Where did you even find that ball of doom anyways?” 

Yumeno responds, “I was getting lunch at this nice place downtown, when I saw him sitting on the pavement, so I gave him some of my teriyaki.”

Maki splutters, “Cats aren’t supposed to eat that! It’s too salty for their wimpy bodies!” 

Surprisingly, Yumeno beams, “You called him a cat! I’m proud of you, Harukawa. You're learning.”

Maki rolls her eyes, “Whatever. Does the little shit have a name?”

Said little shit weakly swats a paw in Maki’s direction. Yumeno puts it down and it shakes itself, green eyes looking irked by the amount of affection that its already receiving.

“Not yet,” Yumeno says, cocking her head, “I was thinking about some names… I liked the idea of Kukicha… but I thought that it might make me too sad.” 

The cat quietly begins to lick its messy black fur, unraveling the tangles and snarls. Maki stares at it for a long moment and shakes her head as her brain provides an unwanted response.

“What about Cucumber?”

Yumeno clasps her hands in glee, then kneels down and begins to pet the skinny animal. Maki takes it to mean that she likes the suggestion.

-

She’s kicked off her blankets and on her feet before her eyes snap open. Maki’s heart is thumping at a rate of over a hundred miles an hour, and all she can hear is the muffled scream coming from the other room. A blistering headache unfolds as blood rushes to her head and hands.

It’s December all over again, Maki thinks. It’s that cruel night one week after Yumeno’s birthday where she swears that her heart stopped for a solid minute. Her legs move on their own and she doesn’t realize what they have planned until she bursts into the bathroom - expecting to see blood and Saihara’s unconscious (maybe dead this time) body in the bathtub - but finds nothing except for Cucumber, who’s asleep in the sink.

It’s that moment where it all catches up to her. It’s not about Saihara, Saihara is  _ gone  _ and he’s never coming home. It’s about the only living person in the apartment, the one in the room right across the hall from her own.

Maki scoops Cucumber up out of the sink. He makes an annoyed noise, but she growls back, “Oh, be useful for once in your damn life, will you?” With the cat in hand, she rushes into Yumeno’s room.

The girl’s soft blue fairy lights that she bought at the hardware store last month are hanging above the bed, where Yumeno currently is. She’s curled up in a ball, tears rolling down her face. Maki slowly approaches her and places Cucumber down by her side, then sits down next to her and rubs her hand in circles along Yumeno’s back.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Maki asks softly, her voice so quiet that she can barely hear it above Cucumber’s purrs. She can’t count the amount of nights where she’s awoken in a cold sweat from watching someone die all over again.

“No,” Yumeno mumbles into her pillow, lying through her teeth. She gingerly stretches out an arm to stroke Cucumber, who nestles himself up against her.

Maki murmurs, “It’s okay to admit it. I get them too. If you want, we can talk about it.”

There’s a beat where Cucumber is the only one making any sound, then Yumeno croaks, “I dreamt about Tenko again.”

Again. She’s had these dreams before, and Maki hasn’t been there to help her. Her throat tightens as she asks, “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Yumeno rolls over, “It was… nice at first. She was talking to me and… and holding my hand. And I was… I was so happy to be there with her. But then I remembered… that I killed her.” 

At first, Maki isn’t sure how to respond, because  _ Shinguuji _ killed Chabashira. It strikes her a moment later - Yumeno killed Chabashira in the same way that she killed Momota (and Ouma and Hoshi and Shirogane too (but they all killed Shirogane didn’t they?))

“If she hadn’t… gotten in the cage… then she… then she…!” Yumeno breaks off into sobs.

Maki replies, “If she hadn’t gotten in that cage, then  _ you _ would have. And then we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

Yumeno mutters, “You’d be having it with Tenko instead.”

“And is that what you want?” Maki asks her, “Would you want Chabashira to have nightmares about  _ you _ for the rest of her life?”

Yumeno sits up so suddenly that Cucumber leaps off the bed. With tears running down her face faster than a river, she shrieks, “It would mean that she was  _ alive!  _ She didn’t deserve to die! I don’t care what you think, it should have been  _ me _ who died!”

She continues to scream, being more and more incomprehensible as tears fall into her mouth. Maki leans over and pulls her into another hug, holding the smaller girl close to her chest. Yumeno sobs into her shoulder, her shouts slowly subsiding.

In the morning, Maki wakes with Cucumber on her head and Yumeno nestled up against her. Quietly, so that she doesn’t wake the sleeping girl, she murmurs, “I’m glad that you made it out. I don’t know what my life would be like without you.”

To her relief, Yumeno doesn’t stir, assuring her that only Cucumber would ever hear her embarrassing whispers. With that, she shuts her eyes, and decides to stay with Yumeno in the sun kissed bedroom, just for a little bit longer.

-

It’s six minutes past midnight. Or maybe seven. Maki’s lost track at this point, and doesn’t care to find out the truth. She’s been standing in the bathroom for a good hour, staring at her gaunt features and trying to find the energy to take her pills.

Everything has gone wrong. Saihara is gone. Yumeno’s only happiness comes from Cucumber. Momota, Ouma, and Hoshi are all dead because of her.

(She was not meant to survive.)

Her hands quiver violently as she opens the medicine cabinet and reaches for her nighttime pills. The medication bottle has been helpfully coloured blue, probably by Yumeno. She pops off the cap and rolls two into her palm, swallowing them dry. She instantly regrets it, but forces herself to not throw them up. She doesn’t have the money to replace the prescribed anti-depressants.

After the anti-depressants is the melatonin, which has really stopped helping at this point. She chokes back just enough water to wet the back of her throat, then swallows the slick pill.

Maki wavers for a second, feeling sick to her stomach. She's tired, she's so goddamn tired, and she can't think of a single thing that she likes about herself. 

Her eyes flicker back to the medicine cabinet. In the back, behind Yumeno’s medication, is a bottle of ibuprofen. Just how many of those would it take to kill her? Not more than fifteen, right?

(And if that's not enough she catch wash it down with bleach and drain cleaner.)

Maki's heart rises into her throat. Shakily, her hand reaches out for the container. She could do it, she could down the bottle and ensure that she would die. Then maybe, maybe it would all go away. 

Out of morbid curiosity, she had once looked for the reports, the forums, the popularity polls. Everywhere she had looked, she'd seen them; seen people saying that she shouldn't have made it. 

(And they were right.)

She unscrews the cap, dropping it into the sink. Her vision begins to blur and black spots cover it, like the coffee dregs she pours down the sink every morning.

Nobody needs her, not Yumeno, not Saihara, and certainly not herself. So it's better like this, it really is.

Maki raises the bottle to her lips. She can feel the hard plastic against the side of her house. She begins to tip the container, but the first pill barely touches her mouth before she freezes.

She can see Cucumber’s reflection in the mirror. Maki drops the bottle and whips around to face the windowsill that he's seated on. He stares at her blankly, his piercing green eyes and pitch black fur standing out against the sickly yellow light.

Yumeno doesn't remember to feed him. Despite her promises, Maki's the one who makes sure that Cucumber doesn't go hungry. He'd certainly starve if she killed herself, or at the least, start eating her remains.

Cucumber needs her to stay alive. She has one reason to not kill herself now, pitted against a thousand reasons to go through with it.

Somehow, it's all she needs.

Tears flood her eyes. Maki chokes out, “Fuck you,” to the cat, who merely snorts at her.

She leaves the bathroom, only just remembering to turn off the light, and lies down in her bed, clutching the quilt as if it’s providing oxygen.

(When she awakens, Cucumber is asleep on her chest, paws spread out as though he's hugging her, as if he's trying to prevent her from leaving. It's enough to reduce her to tears.)

-

Her hands twitch as she scrapes the remains of Toujou’s cake into the sink. It just about melts in the heat. Maki hasn’t thought much about investing in air conditioning, but she might have to if it gets any worse. They’re only ten days into May, but she’s on fire.

She can hear the shower running in the other room. Yumeno’s done almost nothing besides take cold showers for the past three days, thanks to the sweltering weather.

Maki places the tray in the sink and looks out the window. Through the blinds, she can just see the moon shining in. Her heart speeds up just staring at it, and she can’t figure out why. The stars too, they make her feel like she’s missing something in her life.

She glances over her shoulder. The shower’s still running, and Yumeno’s not likely to be out anytime soon. Maki bites down on her lip so hard that it bleeds. She waits for one moment, then another, then moves away from the sink and towards the door. She pulls her coat - just in case it gets colder later - that's been hanging unworn for months off the coat hanger, then rests her hand on the doorknob.

Quivering, she opens the door. She hasn't left the apartment in a very long time. Even just standing out in the hallway feels weird. 

Maki closes the door and begins to walk before she can think better of her idea.

-

The graveyard is only ten blocks away, but it feels like much more. Maki leans against the iron gate, her stomach heaving. She's gotten sloppy. 

(Once upon a time she could do push-ups at the speed of light and now she can't even walk without getting tired.)

Maki weaves through the rows, looking for tombstones that she recognizes. For a while, it's just strangers, and her eyes merely glaze over them.

The first one she finds belongs to Rantarou Amami. Her fists clench at the sight of the kanji. The green haired boy wasn’t alive long enough to leave a lasting impression on anyone, but it still stings to come across this.

Maki stares at the grave blankly for a moment. She doesn't have anything she can really say to him, she barely knew Amami. Finally, she plucks a flower from the bouquet of the next grave over and places it down on his stone. It hardly stands out against the hundreds of other flowers and offerings to him.

(She hopes that he really does have twelve sisters and that the fans of  _ Dangan Ronpa _ are gone but God knows she's never had good luck before.)

“I’ll bring Yumeno next time,” she murmurs to him, “I’m sure she’ll have some kind of sappy thing to say to you.”

With that, she leaves him, having twelve other graves still to see.

Her stomach tightens, because the next grave she finds belongs to Shinguuji. Somehow, she has even less to say to him than Amami. All that comes to mind is a confused shrug, and that’s what she leaves him with. 

Maybe he used to be a good person. Maybe he had friends, people who cared about him. But Maki’s only opinion of him has matched Yumeno’s - that he’s awful.

_ Sorry, _ she thinks, and moves on, making a note to avoid this stop if she does come back with Yumeno at a later date.

She weaves through the yard, trying not to trip in the darkness. As she leaps over a gnarled tree root, Maki spots Chabashira’s headstone. For a moment, she doesn’t do anything, then rips a handful of flowers from a nearby bouquet. Yumeno would have wanted her to do that, she thinks.

“She misses you,” Maki says quietly, “More than I think you’d expect. She hopes that you’re resting well… God, I feel so stupid.”

She drags her foot in the dirt. This isn’t what she wanted to feel tonight.

After Chabashira, she finds Toujou quickly. She sighs softly and murmurs, “Happy Birthday, Toujou. We celebrated by cleaning the entire apartment. It wasn’t my idea… Yumeno hopes you’re in a dust free mansion now.”

Part of her wishes that the phony maid would somehow respond. She hardly knew Toujou, but gets the sense than she was nurturing and motherly, despite eventually committing murder.

Maki wonders what would have happened if she had lived longer.

She leaves Toujou with a quiet and hopefully not too curt goodbye, then returns to striding through the yard. It’s still blisteringly hot out, even though the sun’s long since gone down. 

Her visit to Gokuhara’s grave is also very quick. Though he had been around for longer than the other people she had visited, she never had an opportunity to get close to him. Not that Maki had even tried to befriend anyone besides Momota and the other survivors.

(she was the bland typical tsundere she was an archetype she was not a person and she never will be)

“I… hope you rest well,” she murmurs, feeling like an idiot.

The tombstone doesn’t reply. It’s probably better that way. She decides to leave him be, not wanting to stand around and look like a fool for much longer.

“I still don’t like you, so don’t get the wrong impression here,” Maki says, having finally found one of the people she needed to see. The kanji on Kaede Akamatsu’s grave stares back at her, piercing a hole in her midsection. She says, “I’ll admit… your heart was in the right place. For trying to stop the mastermind, I mean. Your plan was stupid and flawed… but you had good intentions, I guess.”

Now she’s really glad that she’s alone, because this humiliation really isn’t helping her feel whole again. Still, at the end of the night, Akamatsu remains just another person that Maki’s left in the dust.

Unfortunately, the next person she finds is Hoshi, and she clenches her fists. There’s two very fresh bouquets, one of which has roses. She stares at them for a moment and bites her lip. There were people in the real world who still cared about him.

Maki murmurs, “I’m sorry that I killed you. I didn’t watch your video, but I guess I shouldn’t have given it to you. You… You should have lived instead of me.”

(he could have there were scratches in the sink he fought back he could be the one standing in front of her grave instead god that would be so much better)

Hoshi remains on her mind even after Maki finds Iruma’s headstone. She tries to shake off the regretful feelings as she looks down at where the blonde’s ashes lay. She hadn’t like Iruma (god had she liked  _ anyone)  _ but she supposes that she could have been nicer.

She could have been nicer to a lot of people, actually.

Maki leaves without saying a word to her, but not before placing yet another clump of stolen flowers by the stone.

After Iruma, Maki stumbles across Angie, and for once, looks up at the sky instead of down at the ground. There’s so many stars in the sky tonight. As if the former president of the Gifted Inmate Academy’s Student Council is with her, Maki closes her eyes and clasps her hands together, effectively praying to a god that she doesn’t believe in.

“I don’t think that there’s a heaven or a hell,” Maki admits, “no matter what I say to Yumeno. But if there was… you’d be in the former. You had a good idea in mind, even if your execution… left much to be desired.”

The backhanded compliment begins to make her tongue sting. Maki moves on.

Kiibo’s grave is nothing more than two sticks with a picture of him taped to them and shoved in the ground. According to an executive that she eavesdropped on months ago, his AI information was still backed up on their servers, so he still technically existed. Still, the memory of his entire body exploding would be forever cemented in her mind.

She really thought that he would have survived with the rest of them. He certainly deserved it.

Maki finds herself at another loss for words at Ouma’s gravestone. It was no secret to anyone that she and the faux supreme leader held animosity towards each other. She adjusts a crooked and familiar looking bouquet and whispers, “I still don’t know what was going on in your head, and I don’t think I ever will. But… I shouldn’t have killed you.”

His laughter echoes in her ears.

Momota’s final resting place is luckily - or perhaps unluckily - nearby. Maki sighs, staring at the flower arrangement that she has absolutely seen twice before tonight, and says, “I wish I knew if I really loved you or not.”

She wishes that he would answer her, that she could see his smile again one last time, but the world is too cruel to allow her this kindness.

“It was… unhealthy,” Maki admits, “At least, on my side. I hardly knew what a real emotion was, I was so used to killing at that point that I lost all humanity, so when you were so nice to me… I’m sorry.”

She rests her hand on the stone for a moment, her eyes closed and her mind blank. Then, she turns and leaves him to his eternal sleep.

It would be easy for her to completely skip Shirogane and just go home, but she’s drawn the the kanji the second that she spies it on a plain grey tablet.

Unlike the others, who all at least had something, Shirogane has no offerings in front of her tombstone. Maki crosses her arms and stares at the undisturbed dirt, then says, “I believed in you. After the fifth trial, until you revealed yourself as the ringleader… I truly believed in you.”

It was stupid of her to do so, but she doesn’t say that part out loud.

But Tsumugi Shirogane was just another intern, one of hundreds of members of Team  _ Dangan Ronpa. _ And she alone is not at fault for the deaths of around eight hundred people, even if she is a convenient scapegoat.

“Sleep well,” Maki finishes, “You’re free from  _ Dangan Ronpa _ now.”

Leaving the graveyard should be easy because all she has to do is move for the gate, but she doesn’t get halfway there before she freezes in place, completely stunned.

Ten feet away from her, sitting solemnly in front of Akamatsu’s grave with one of the bouquets that she’s been seeing all night is Saihara.

Maki hovers, crouching behind one of the taller grave markers. She half considers approaching him, doing  _ something, _ but eventually decides against it. He’s stayed away from them for a reason, and doesn’t need her ruining things again.

She flees from the field of death, and for once, doesn’t look back.

\- 

The door opens quietly. Maki slips inside, trying to be silent. It's half past two in the morning, and the last thing she wants is to wake anyone.

Any hopes of that are instantly dashed when she hears a scream. Maki barely has time to spin around before Yumeno crashes into her, bawling.

Maki rubs her back gently as the redhead’s tears soak her. The now familiar phrase ‘did you have a nightmare?’ is on her lips, but dies when Yumeno speaks.

“I thought that you weren't coming back!” she chokes out, “I thought… I thought I was… was alone!”

Realization dawns on Maki that she did leave the apartment unexpectedly for several hours. She whispers, “I wouldn't leave you like this.”

Yumeno murmurs, “When I came out… You weren't in the kitchen, or the living room, so I thought you'd gone to bed… but you weren't in your room either!”

Maki replies, “I'm… sorry that I made you worry about me.”

“I always worry about you,” she mumbles into Maki’s shirt, “You never take care of yourself anymore. I want to help, but all I’m good at is making things worse. I really need you… Maki.”

Her heart skips a beat, then begins to thump twice as fast. She whispers, “I need you too. I promise that I won’t leave you, okay?”

Yumeno hums, “O-Okay… Thank you. I’m still… still sorry about Saihara, though. I-”

“That wasn’t your fault,” Maki replies. Her mind flashes back to the sight of the boy in the graveyard, and she wonders what he’s doing now, if he’s still there. She repeats, “That wasn’t your fault.”

_ It was mine. _ The thought pokes her in the side of the head. Maki shakes her head slightly and adds, “All we can do is look out for each other. Someday, we’ll be in a better place… Himiko."

One of these days, they’ll be okay, and Maki hopes that she’s right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The magician movie that Himiko likes - Maki thinks that it’s called ‘The Prestige’ but she still doesn’t know what it means. There aren’t any subtitles to help her out either - is playing on their old television. Maki’s still not watching, but Himiko and Cucumber are enthralled.

At least, she thinks Cucumber cares. Nothing he does makes any sense.

There’s a knock on the door and all three of them turn to look. Maki says, “I’ll get it,” and stands, wondering who it could possibly be. The only viable options she can think of are the landlord or one of the neighbours complaining about something.

She opens the door, not even thinking about it anymore, only to go completely still. Four inches taller than her but still looking smaller than ever is Shuuichi Saihara.

“H-Hi, Harukawa-san,” he says, “It’s… been a long time. I don’t really know what I can do to make it up to you and Yumeno-san for what I-”

Maki pulls him into tight hug, “Welcome home.”

“Maki? Who’s…. Aaah!” Himiko shrieks, and the next thing Maki knows, she’s joined the hug too, clutching them both with all the strength in her tiny body.

None of them speak for a long time. They don’t need to, listening to each others tears of happiness and the crackle of the television in the background is enough.

_ They _ are enough.

 

 

 

When Ouma’s birthday rolls around at the end of June, all three of them celebrate it together. Saihara blows out a pair of candles that reads ‘49’ while Himiko throws a balloon at Maki’s head.

It’s ridiculous. It’s in poor taste.

It’s the best they can do.

**Author's Note:**

> fic: finished  
> ship bias: obvious  
> depression: out
> 
> i tried to have this done like three days ago but it kept getting longer. please leaves kudos/comments if you enjoyed!!
> 
> EDIT: I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS: Kukicha is a type of green tea made with tea stalks; when one of those stalks stands up on its own, it's called Chabashira


End file.
